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October 23, 2017

What's That Quote #6(So much of who we are...)

Here we are, Monday. 
You came in dreary and wet. What a start to the week.

"So much of who we are is where we have been."
William Langewiesche
Today's quote really "got me" today.
At first, with this gloomy weather, and honestly my mood to match; I had intended this post to be...darker? I'm not sure. Maybe just a way to put thought to paper(or type) of how I feel most days.
As I sat here trying to organize my cluttered, chaos inside(while the ramblings of life are going on upstairs) I was struggling to get out what I thought I wanted to say.
Then, He showed up and it was so much clearer.
I don't want to write only about the bad. The negative. The struggles.
How depressing is that?
Yes, those parts of me are there too. And yes, they have helped make me who I am. But, there is so much more. So many good, wonderful blessings. So many miracles I alone have witnessed. Those places have contributed just as much into who I am!

I chose this picture,
to show, walking away or looking, searching. As I said, originally, I was focusing on the harder things that have gotten me here, to who I am. I often feel like I need to get away, go away. Just to be somewhere else. I hate feeling stuck. Feeling like there is no escape. From myself, my circumstances, from people. I think we all feel like that to some degree. We need to go somewhere else, to say we've been there.

Where I have been...
I have been a thousand places. Not geographically, but spiritually, mentally. Life has taken me to many places. It has made me see many things, many people. I believe we take a little of each person we meet and each place we've been. It truly becomes a part of who we are. Who we become.

I have been the girl who feels alone, never quite fitting in.
It has shown me to love myself, even when no one else even likes me.
It has taught me that solitude can have it's perks too. Quiet, peace, time to pray.
It can also be lonely and empty feeling.

I have been the teen mother.
It has shown me people are prejudice everywhere.
It has shown me you have become a statistic, like it or not.
It has shown me your every decision is questioned or ridiculed.
It has made me A MOTHER!
It has given me my most precious gifts. Joy I never knew I could have. It has shown me true, unconditional love and miracles!
I've seen my baby smile and known that there is peace, love, and joy in this world.

I have been the struggling young wife.
I've questioned myself and felt completely unsure of where I was and what I was doing.
I've loved and laughed and prayed and cried. I've screamed and ran away and come back.
I have caught a glimpse of my husband, not doing anything, just being...and I know this is where I am meant to be. Together, with him.

I've been the new homeowner.
The girl who sees all her dreams coming true. A home for her family. A place to raise our babies and be content with all the world. My place. Our place. Our refuge from the outside.
I've had that. and I've had it all taken away. Not over night.
No, over months and months, 2 years of fighting, trying, praying, crying. Overtime and long phone calls. Papers lost, checks un-mailed. Tears and trials. Questioning every choice. Questioning each other. I've been there.

I've been the girl having financial problems.
I've had almost nothing material, but so much love, support, and blessings.
I've had no heat but a warm body to lay with at night.
I've gone without but still had so very much to be thankful for.

I've been the dreamer.
The girl who still believes dreams come true.
I've seen those dreams. I have those too. The happy bride, the mother who smiles with her whole heart. The dreams of raising a family and celebrating anniversaries, birthdays, vacations, picnics and all the joys together.

I've been the lost girl.
I've been there too. Wide awake, seeing, hearing, doing, yet having no idea... how? why?
It's scary. Knowing you're there. Knowing you need to be there. For yourself, for someone who depends on you. Yet, your mind is a fog and you have no idea how you're going to get through it. It is thicker some days. You just stand. Stand. Hoping someone will guide you through to the other side, while standing your ground, SCREAMING, you don't need help!
I can do this!
Light up another cigarette, say a prayer, and just go. Do it. Get through this shit. Get over it and get on with it!
This is where I've been!

Who are you? Where have you been?

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